Immanent Eschaton 2008 Presidential Election Guide

Does the current crop of conservative Christian candidates confuse you? Well my friend, if its any consolation, you're not alone.

You've heard the pros and cons, the cons and pros of both sides... You've
listened to people you believe in and people you've never heard of, so it's not
surprising that you're confused. But beyond all the words, beyond all the claims
and promises There's actually just One Big Thing on which most people base their
vote for president: the Man: Ike for president, Ike for president, you like Ike, I like Ike, everybody likes Ike. So bring out the banners, beat the drums, we'll take Ike to Washington... Those were the voices of the people speaking about the man they are going to vote for. What is your decision? Who are you going to vote for?

It is in this spirit that we offer the Comprehensive Election Guide for the Unthinking Conservative: follow the masses, as manipulated by the senior staff of immanent eschaton. We will give you the pros and cons and the cons and pros of both sides, as well as the pros of the cons of the pros, and vice versa. (candidates are presented in order of desirability.)

Giuliani: The Pros: 1) he hates weasels. 2) he really hates weasels, and dictators. 3) he will kick out weaseling dictators, and the disturbed weasel lovers who support them. 4) The New York Times Editors hate him more than anyone, even Bush. The Cons: he constantly quotes George Will as having said he ran the most conservative administration in the last fifty years. (This is additionally annoying because what George Will actually said is that he ran the most effective conservative administration.)

McCain: the pros: perceived moderation, electability-the media love him. the cons: perceived moderation, electability-the media love him.

Thompson: the pros: He can beat up the most Democrats. He smokes cigars. He may have suggested that Michael Moore consider a mental institution. He seems to actually have a sense of humor. The cons: that's really it for the pros.

Romney: the pros: His hair allegedly rivals Democratic Hair front runner Edwards; his sense of humor rivals former Vice President Gore's. The resulting mix of humor and hair is too formidable to contemplate. Another pro for Romney is that he cannot be parodied. Some have attempted:

Mr. Romney also extended an olive branch to evangelical Christians
suspicious of his belief in Mormon doctrine, promising to “continue speaking in
vague, inoffensive language about Jesus and the Bible if you’ll agree to do the
same.

But these parodists have always come short of the True Romney:

I believe that every faith I have encountered draws its adherents closer
to God. And in every faith I have come to know, there are features I wish were
in my own: I love the profound ceremony of the Catholic Mass, the
approachability of God in the prayers of the Evangelicals, the tenderness of
spirit among the Pentecostals, the confident independence of the Lutherans, the
ancient traditions of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the commitment
to frequent prayer of the Muslims....

There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ?
I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and the Savior of mankind. My church's beliefs about Christ may not all be the same as those of other faiths. Each religion has its own unique doctrines and history. These are not bases for criticism but rather a test of our tolerance."

Which brings us to the last pro: He loves Jesus. The cons: You pick. Also, how much do you really want to have to hear about Mormonism?

Huckabee the pros: He hates Darwinism. He hates rape. The cons: He loves Darwin. He loves rapists. He probably also loves Bush, but hates his foreign policy. He really loves Jesus. UPDATE: Also, what is it about Huckabee that inspires everyone to think up clever puns like "huckaboom", "huckabust" and "huckabasher". If this represents the state of modern conservatism, we are in a very sorry state indeed.

And Hewitt's objectively dumb because I think so

Hugh Hewitt: Now last week, Romney gave a speech... I thought it was objectively a great speech, given who liked it.

Update: It seems Hewitt meant it as a joke, see here.
However, anyone who thinks Romney's speech was that great is still objectively an idiot.

Ferrets Fight Back

A dark episode of former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani's past has come back to haunt himon the campaign trail for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination. Giuliani is now paying the price for derogatory comments made about ferrets on his WABC radio show as mayor, on July 23 1999. UPDATE: audio available here

Mayor Giuliani: We're gonna go to David in Oceanside.
David Guthartz: Hello, Mr. Giuliani, we speak again.
Giuliani: Hi, David.
Guthartz: Let me introduce myself again, David Guthartz, executive president of New York Ferrets' Rights Advocacy. Last week when we spoke, you said a very disparaging remark to me, that I should get a life. That was very unprofessional of you. Here we're trying to get something seriously done–
Giuliani: I, I–
Guthartz: Without you talking over me, we're trying to get something very seriously done–
Giuliani: David, you're on my show. I have the right to talk over you.
Guthartz: But here's the thing: We're trying to get an important issue taken care of where the city is violating state law and I asked you last week if you care about the law.
Giuliani: Yes, I do care about the law. I think you have totally and absolutely misinterpreted the law, because there's something deranged about you.
Guthartz: No, there isn't, sir.
Giuliani: The excessive concern that you have for ferrets is something you should examine with a therapist. Not with me.
Guthartz: Don't go insulting me again!
Giuliani: I'm not insulting you. I'm being honest with you. Maybe no one in your life has ever been honest with you.
Guthartz: I happen to be more sane than you.
Giuliani: This conversation is over, David. Thank you. [Mr. Giuliani cuts him off.] There is something really, really, very sad about you. You need help. You need somebody to help you. I know you feel insulted by that, but I'm being honest with you. This excessive concern with little weasels is a sickness. I'm sorry. That's my opinion. You don't have to accept it. There are probably very few people who would be as honest with you about that. But you should go consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and have him help you with this excessive concern, how you are devoting your life to weasels. There are people in this city and in this world that need a lot of help. Something has gone wrong with you. Your compulsion about it, your excessive concern with it, is a sign of something wrong in your personality. I do not mean to be insulting. I'm trying to be honest with you and I'm trying to give you advice for your own good. I know you, I know how you operate, I know how many times you called here this week. Three or 4 o'clock in the morning, David, you called here. You have a sickness. I know it's hard for you to accept that, because you hang on to this sickness, and it's your shield, it's your whatever. You know, you gotta go
to someone who understands this a lot better than I do. And I know you're real
angry at me, you're gonna attack me, but actually you're angry at yourself and
you're afraid of what I'm raising with you. And if you don't deal with it, I
don't know what you're gonna do. But you called here excessively all week, and
you called here at 3 o'clock in the morning. And 4 o'clock in the morning. Over
weasels. Over a ferret. So I know this is difficult and tomorrow one of the
newspapers will write how mean I am and how cruel I am and all this other stuff,
but I believe, because my father and mother taught me this, that you should be
honest with people. And I am giving you the benefit of 55 years of experience
having represented hundreds and in some cases thousands of people on either side in the courtroom, having handled insanity defenses and cases. You need help! And please get it! And you don't have the right to call here at three o'clock in the morning, harass the people on my staff, because of your compulsion. So, David, see what you can do to get help. But we can't help you. We don't have the professional expertise to help you. Now we're gonna move on to Richard in the Bronx.

Now United Ferrets International has issued an ad blasting the mayor for his perceived indifference to ferret rights.

[Thou art] like the toad, ugly and venomous

And that's the happy one.

These Kids Are Swift

Quote of the Day

In no area of human behavior does Albert Einstein's definition of insanity – "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" – come so frequently to mind as Middle East peacemaking.--Jonathan Rosenblum