Immanent Eschaton 2008 Presidential Election Guide

Does the current crop of conservative Christian candidates confuse you? Well my friend, if its any consolation, you're not alone.

You've heard the pros and cons, the cons and pros of both sides... You've
listened to people you believe in and people you've never heard of, so it's not
surprising that you're confused. But beyond all the words, beyond all the claims
and promises There's actually just One Big Thing on which most people base their
vote for president: the Man: Ike for president, Ike for president, you like Ike, I like Ike, everybody likes Ike. So bring out the banners, beat the drums, we'll take Ike to Washington... Those were the voices of the people speaking about the man they are going to vote for. What is your decision? Who are you going to vote for?

It is in this spirit that we offer the Comprehensive Election Guide for the Unthinking Conservative: follow the masses, as manipulated by the senior staff of immanent eschaton. We will give you the pros and cons and the cons and pros of both sides, as well as the pros of the cons of the pros, and vice versa. (candidates are presented in order of desirability.)

Giuliani: The Pros: 1) he hates weasels. 2) he really hates weasels, and dictators. 3) he will kick out weaseling dictators, and the disturbed weasel lovers who support them. 4) The New York Times Editors hate him more than anyone, even Bush. The Cons: he constantly quotes George Will as having said he ran the most conservative administration in the last fifty years. (This is additionally annoying because what George Will actually said is that he ran the most effective conservative administration.)

McCain: the pros: perceived moderation, electability-the media love him. the cons: perceived moderation, electability-the media love him.

Thompson: the pros: He can beat up the most Democrats. He smokes cigars. He may have suggested that Michael Moore consider a mental institution. He seems to actually have a sense of humor. The cons: that's really it for the pros.

Romney: the pros: His hair allegedly rivals Democratic Hair front runner Edwards; his sense of humor rivals former Vice President Gore's. The resulting mix of humor and hair is too formidable to contemplate. Another pro for Romney is that he cannot be parodied. Some have attempted:

Mr. Romney also extended an olive branch to evangelical Christians
suspicious of his belief in Mormon doctrine, promising to “continue speaking in
vague, inoffensive language about Jesus and the Bible if you’ll agree to do the
same.

But these parodists have always come short of the True Romney:

I believe that every faith I have encountered draws its adherents closer
to God. And in every faith I have come to know, there are features I wish were
in my own: I love the profound ceremony of the Catholic Mass, the
approachability of God in the prayers of the Evangelicals, the tenderness of
spirit among the Pentecostals, the confident independence of the Lutherans, the
ancient traditions of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the commitment
to frequent prayer of the Muslims....

There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ?
I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and the Savior of mankind. My church's beliefs about Christ may not all be the same as those of other faiths. Each religion has its own unique doctrines and history. These are not bases for criticism but rather a test of our tolerance."

Which brings us to the last pro: He loves Jesus. The cons: You pick. Also, how much do you really want to have to hear about Mormonism?

Huckabee the pros: He hates Darwinism. He hates rape. The cons: He loves Darwin. He loves rapists. He probably also loves Bush, but hates his foreign policy. He really loves Jesus. UPDATE: Also, what is it about Huckabee that inspires everyone to think up clever puns like "huckaboom", "huckabust" and "huckabasher". If this represents the state of modern conservatism, we are in a very sorry state indeed.